The following post I shared with some of you last year on my other blog.. I wanted to share it here too. I still struggle so much with anxiety especially when it comes to driving. I need a reminder of why it's so important for me to face the things that frighten me instead of hiding from them. This is where I need to learn to trust in
Anxiety is something I've dealt with my entire life. I remember it the earliest in first grade.. I would come home from school with stress headaches. In the first grade. It's not something that's ever gone away but sometimes it will leave a certain area of my life and reappear somewhere else. Every time I would over come one thing something new would become a major source of anxiety. In March 2009 when I met James I was working a job that stressed me out so much that I lost 20 pounds, I was always sick, I was miserable.. Thank God James told me to quit and that he has enough money to support us both. I was finally free of anxiety. Until..
Late 2009 James and I were driving to my parents house for Sunday night family dinner. The same way we've been a thousand times. We pulled up to a red light and were chit chatting about something. Two boys.. about 14 or so.. rode their bikes across half the street to the median in front of us. The turning lane was stopped so it blocked their view of the cars still going straight. As 14 year old boys do.. they were impatient. The first boy spend across the road and James and I both remarked how dumb that was.. before we could even finish our thoughts our words got stuck in our mouth as we watched the second boy start.. then hesitate.. then shoot out into the road.
Right in front of a car..
A car that couldn't see him coming. A car that was going the speed limit. A car that was probably just on his way home.. or to pick up the groceries. They boy flew up atleast 6 feet and then crashed onto the mans windshield and rolled of the car onto the concrete.. He was face down on the road knocked unconscious. Many people got out of their cars to help him and we waited to make sure someone called 911 but we couldn't stay parked where we were because we were blocking traffic. The boy moved a few times before we left but I still don't know if he lived or died.
After I saw that something snapped in me. Something that James and I later decided was some sort of post traumatic stress disorder. I stopped being able to drive. I tried a few times after that but I would shake so bad I could barely put my foot on the brake.. I would get ill.. I would have intense panic attacks. I think it was from knowing that the man that hit that boy wasn't doing anything wrong. It could have easily been me driving that car..
So two years have gone by and I think I've only driven 2 or 3 times.. only once since I moved to Hawaii in April 2010 and it was just for a few blocks..
Until today. :)
I drove to Josie's dr appointment today. It was a small drive but a big step. I realize now that I have been so overwhelmed trying to keep everyone safe and out of harms way to such an extreme that I have stopped living. What is it teaching my daughter if I have to tell her "oh mommy doesnt drive because she's too scared". It tells her that I don't have faith in God to work all things out for the best and that it's ok to let your fears control you. I don't want her to learn that.. I want her to be brave and have faith in God in all things. So today I faced my fear.. and tomorrow I will too.. and I will keep doing it until it goes away. One step at a time.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)